Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bits of truth...

These past few days have been a roller coaster...there have been ups, downs, times of peace, moments of anger, periods of doubt where my faith in God was challenged, and pieces of time where I have literally felt surrounding by His arms of comfort. I shared in the last post that the wound of our infertility was re-opened. However, I don't think I can accurately describe how scary it is to be faced with the feelings and thoughts that plagued me the first two years of our journey to grow our family. Last night I hit a low...a dark time...I was vulnerable and completely attacked by various thoughts (some of which I refuse utter aloud). In a nutshell, sometime in the last few days a lie began forming in my mind that God was not near...that He didn't care...that if He really loved me He would have prevented this crazy mess from occurring. It sounds kind of self-righteous--huh?? What makes me so special that I should be immune from life's challenges? Life is difficult and painful sometimes...but this doesn't mean that God is far from us.

Warren worked late last night, so I had a few hours upon returning home to dig into scripture...I know His truth is the only weapon I have to fight this battle in my mind. I'm not sure if this was a verse that someone had sent to me the past couple of days, or if it is one God reminded me of...nonetheless, I was led to read Psalm 34:18, 19:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."

Then I read in the study section of my Bible, "Sometimes God chooses to deliver us from problems and pain. But, if He does not choose to deliver us from the difficulty, He promises to be our source of power, courage, and wisdom...helping us through our problems."

I'm sure many can relate, but I think my problem is that I don't feel like I should have to go through troubled waters. I feel like God should protect me from it all--however, scriptures never promise our lives with be ones of ease...but He promises to be there in the midst of our storms. A godly woman sent me a poem and words of truth in an email over the weekend...I feel like it directly relates to what God is trying to teach me right now.

Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea.
What matter beating wind and tossing billow,
If only we are in the boat with Thee?

Hold us in quiet through the age long minute
While thou art silent and the wind is shrill.
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?

by: Amy Carmichael

How I pray for the Lord to awake and quiet this storm, and sooth the furious seas. Yet when His disciples became afraid, he said, Oh ye of little faith. If only his disciples had trusted the God of the universe, who was asleep on their tossing boat. Though he was sleeping, he was totally and completely in control.  Their faith was little, but I believe God is making your faith great.  Through this trial, your faith will become so great, that you will be able to pass on a strong and steadfast faith to your children.  I am praying for you

Our faith is most defiantly being testing and refined. I am learning to trust God in the storm. Though this process is difficult, I would have it no other way if it means growing closer to my Savior. In a way, a small part of me (I say small, b/c the biggest part of me is still grieving) feels blessed to be going through this...blessed to know that God has not given up on me. He loves me so much and desires for me to loosen the grip I have on "my life"... that He allows me to go through storms in order that I may be reminded to fully rely on Him...to have faith even though I can't see.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a  hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Ps. 40:1-3


  1. i can't believe i didn't think of this before: i once studied deliverance under Beth Mooore. she said SOMEtimes God does deliver believers FROM hardships - by His grace and that other times he delivers them THROUGH hardships. and with this comes refinement. she likened being delivered THROUGH a storm to the refinement of a precious metal explaining that it has to be put through and through fire to be refined to it's purest form. i remember thinking that was such a beautiful way to process trial - to think of it as an avenue to a purer version of ourselves - a closer likeness to Christ. anyway, Beth's POINT was that we default to a feeling of abandonment and allow satan to convince us that God is not going to deliver us when actually no matter what happens God does deliver us - it just may be THROUGH and not FROM whatever circumstance we may be facing. geeeeez, i hope i didn't just butcher that into something incomprehensible. loooooooooooove you, precious friend.

  2. What a wonderful, God-honoring post! Your faith is so admirable. I think sometimes we go through difficult times in order to minister to others who have to go through the same thing- we can show them that with Christ, it IS possible to get to the other side and to have hope for the future. Thanks for shining your light for others to see!

  3. I am praying for you, Jill. So sorry for this roller coaster you are on. I was so very heart broken over the news you were given this past weekend. You are such an inspiration and I admire you very much! Praying...

  4. I admire your faith and strength. Thank you for inspiring me!

  5. Hey Jill,
    I haven't been reading blogs too much lately, but Helen Strange called me and kind of filled me in on what was going on and asked me to be praying for you guys; so I will definitely keep praying. I know you know this, but God's timing is SO perfect; you will have such a beautiful story (pain and all) by the end of your journey. Yall are in my thoughts.

  6. God is faithful and able, stay strong. I am adopted and feel so blessed to have been raised by my parents. I know that God has directed my path from my very beginning. And so He will your child.

    I also understand loss. My husband and I have three beautiful homemade children, but I also desired to adopt. We were chosen 6 years ago by a birthmother, wrote letters, got excited, and waited.

    We drove from Ga. to Texas to be there when the baby was born. One day before his birth our case worker called and said that the birthmother had decided to parent. We were devastated. She already had 3 or 4 children she wasn't parenting and we have no idea why the change.

    I do know that God is sovereign and He knows what is best for His children. I want nothing but what He would have for me. I am sure you believe the same.

    Remember, in His time. Continue to have faith!

    Jerm. 29:11

    Lisa Q