Thursday, February 24, 2011

Crisis of Belief

Late Tuesday afternoon/evening it occurred to me that I have been in a crisis of belief. As I mentioned in my last post, Monday night I was in a very dark spot. I felt alone. I was under attack. I could physically sense a heaviness on my chest. And, even though I knew I wasn't, I felt lost and if God were nowhere near and had turned away from me.

...My fleshly mind began thinking "If God really loved me and was for me He would have kept us from going through this craziness--doesn't He know we've been through enough?"...and then the voice of truth reminded me that God allows us to go through pain and difficulty so we can know Him in a more intimate way--so we can truly say to others He IS the God of peace and comfort...He HAS BEEN my refuge.

But, my crisis is I ok with that? Am I ok that God sometimes will deliver me from trials and other times will deliver me through them? This is who He is...He is about glorifying His name and making us into the likeness of Christ...but, am I ok that He often uses our deepest sorrows to accomplish these purposes? My head answer is yes...of course I am ok with that...but, my spirit and flesh have been wrestling with these things. Ultimately, I am grateful God loves me so much that He wants me to know Him in a more intimate's just painful sometimes getting there. I have no doubt that spiritual warfare has been taking place. I also have no doubt that God is having the victory and Warren and I will both come out of this knowing Him in a deep and rich way.

In the hours of darkness and feeling abandoned, all I knew to do was claim scripture. So, I dusted off my 3x5 cards from my grad school days, on them wrote scripture I felt God wanted wanted me to claim, hole-punched the cards, and put it on this silver ring I found in our office supplies. Nothing pretty or cute, but I have carried this with me for the past few days...flipping through them when I felt lies were beginning to creep in. These pieces of truth have given me hope. Even though I can't keep from crying as I read them, I am somehow filled with peace.

Below are the scriptures (in "flip card" order) I have been claiming:

Psalm 18: 4-6
4 The cords of death entangled me;
   the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
   the snares of death confronted me.

 6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
   I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
   my cry came before him, into his ears.


Psalm 18:16-17 

 16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
   he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
   from my foes, who were too strong for me.

2 Chronicles 20:17 

17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

Psalm 40:1-3   

 1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

Psalm 138:8 
8 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
      for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
      Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 34:18-19 

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
 19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Psalm 18:32-33 

32 It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights.

Psalm 18: 1-3
1 I love you, LORD, my strength.
 2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
 3 I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
   and I have been saved from my enemies.

Ephesians 3:20 

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

After countless tears and possibly the scariest time of doubt I have ever encountered, I can honestly say that God is delivering me!!! I feel the weight is lifting off of my chest. I have experienced His peace (finally!!) and I know He has been fighting this battle for me. Through a broken heart, my life has been forever changed.

We have been blessed to have so many wise friends and family members...I hope to share later scriptures and words of truth they have poured into our lives the past few days.

I praise Him for calling us to this trial...and for delivering us through the battle.


  1. I added you to my blog list so I can continue to follow your adoption story. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It really pains my heart to read when couples go through this. Praying for you and looking forward to see what God does in your family!

  2. Thanks for sharing all of this Jill. The Lord has given you wisdom and a powerful faith and testimony.

  3. I'm a fellow Georgian in the adoption process and found your blog via other adoption blogs I read. I just wanted to comment and tell you that I'm praying for you. Even though I don't know you, I know your struggle and I know what it is to trust God through dark places. He is faithful, even in the hard times, and He knows what He is doing, even though we might not understand His ways. I appreciate you sharing your heart and I like your idea of carrying around those verses - I just might copy that!! Hold tight to His promises; in Christ is our Hope!!

  4. I'm a fellow Georgian in the process of adopting a baby, and I found your blog via other adoption blogs I read. I just wanted to comment to let you know I'm praying for you. I don't know you, but I know your struggle and I know how hard it can be to trust God in the dark times. Hold onto His promises; He is faithful. I can't begin to understand why He has allowed trials in my life, but I do know that it will ultimately be for my good. It is hard to see the end from the middle of deep waters, but our Hope is in Christ!! Is. 43:2-7

  5. Jill - I just wanted to let you know that so many people love you and are praying for you. Allow yourself to feel the love and support of all those around you, and, if necessary, let their faith and strength stand in your place while you catch your breath. I know you are a therapist, so none of this is new to you, but I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to sit with whatever feelings you are having without labeling them as "good" or bad." God is bigger than your anger, sadness, grief, disappointment, and discouragement and will walk with you through all of those emotions. I pray that you can first feel all of the emotions that are totally normal for anyone who has walked the path you have walked and that over time you can heal from them. Love, Jill Hill

  6. Thank you, ladies, for the encouragement and words of truth!

  7. Thank you so much! These scriptures are so encouraging and just the truth that I need to hold onto right now! I love your blog by the way. :o)

  8. I'm so glad, Tiffany! These have been my strength lately!