As I type this, I am sitting on a balcony, at the beach, staring at the ocean, and drinking hot chocolate…yes, you read me right. I am bundled in my favorite winter sweater listening to the sound of waves crash against the shore. We have been blessed to be given the opportunity enjoy the beach (one of my all-time favorite places) for free over the next couple of days…and this is day one. Unfortunately, the Internet is down (which is actually kind of freeing in a way). Therefore, this post will be published much later than it was written.
Like many others, when I stare at the ocean I am reminded of what a big and powerful God I serve. And, I am humbled that in his “bigness” (if you will), He chooses to have a close relationship with me…He cares about every little thing I am going through…He knows every minute detail of my life. This great big God wants to be involved with me and wants me to be involved in what He is doing. He knows how my heart has ached and longed for a child these past two years (and two months)…He has seen every tear I have shed…and He has given Warren and I the grace and peace to see that His plan was larger than anything we could have imagined.
I spent two years grieving the loss of the child we never had…Infertility can be an extremely lonely place. Especially at my age…when it seems everyone I know is getting pregnant by “accident.” You begin to feel like something is wrong…and, personally, I began to question my own identity. I began believing lies and I completely blamed myself for our lack of ability to call our parents with “exciting news.” My identity was wrapped up in my inability to conceive…and I began feeling like less of a woman. It was a several month process before I saw how far down this road of false guilt I had fallen. While volunteering at the Passion Conference (with some precious friends from Texas) in January 2010, God brought me back to the all to simple truth that who I am cannot be found in my inability OR in my ability to have children…my worth and value are simply found in the great big God that wants an extremely intimate relationship with me. I am reminded daily that I am not alone…Though I serve a big God who created the world, the universe, the galaxy, and so on….I also serve a God that is very much near…that cares…and who delights in giving me the desires of my heart (though this may not come in the time or way I expect).