Sunday, November 7, 2010


As I type this, I am sitting on a balcony, at the beach, staring at the ocean, and drinking hot chocolate…yes, you read me right. I am bundled in my favorite winter sweater listening to the sound of waves crash against the shore. We have been blessed to be given the opportunity enjoy the beach (one of my all-time favorite places) for free over the next couple of days…and this is day one. Unfortunately, the Internet is down (which is actually kind of freeing in a way). Therefore, this post will be published much later than it was written.

Like many others, when I stare at the ocean I am reminded of what a big and powerful God I serve. And, I am humbled that in his “bigness” (if you will), He chooses to have a close relationship with me…He cares about every little thing I am going through…He knows every minute detail of my life. This great big God wants to be involved with me and wants me to be involved in what He is doing. He knows how my heart has ached and longed for a child these past two years (and two months)…He has seen every tear I have shed…and He has given Warren and I the grace and peace to see that His plan was larger than anything we could have imagined.
I spent two years grieving the loss of the child we never had…Infertility can be an extremely lonely place. Especially at my age…when it seems everyone I know is getting pregnant by “accident.” You begin to feel like something is wrong…and, personally, I began to question my own identity. I began believing lies and I completely blamed myself for our lack of ability to call our parents with “exciting news.” My identity was wrapped up in my inability to conceive…and I began feeling like less of a woman.  It was a several month process before I saw how far down this road of false guilt I had fallen. While volunteering at the Passion Conference (with some precious friends from Texas) in January 2010, God brought me back to the all to simple truth that who I am cannot be found in my inability OR in my ability to have children…my worth and value are simply found in the great big God that wants an extremely intimate relationship with me. I am reminded daily that I am not alone…Though I serve a big God who created the world, the universe, the galaxy, and so on….I also serve a God that is very much near…that cares…and who delights in giving me the desires of my heart (though this may not come in the time or way I expect).


  1. Didn't know you were enjoying MY FAVORITE SPOT in the whole entire world too....what fun. The sunset lookslike a big dollop of butter from the book "with a chance of meatballs" It is beautiful.

    I also feel so close to God at the oceans shoreline. Just to imagine that God blew the 1st wave into motion and it hasn't stopped. WOW~
    And I know that the bigness of God has already created a child for you and Warren to parent and love. WOW~

    How do I know this, you ask? B/c back in 1980 when I never even knew I was expecting and had all those 20+ xrays of my pelvic region...God was protecting YOU!~ A perfectly healthy little girl WHO completed our family, WHO gave love to her sister, WHO accomplished alot in life, WHO married a godly man and WHO will call us one day with the exciting news of a baby to love!

    Love and joy...momma

  2. My husband and I have endured the loss of a child, and thus far, have yet to have another. We take heart knowing our little one is an angel above, and in a place where no tears are shed and no hurt is ever felt. Take care and try not to worry, God's timing is always perfect despite our desire to have an immediate outcome. May your future children be so blessed to call you their own!

  3. Jill God is so big and He has a very special child just for YOU! I have another very close friend that has struggled with infertility and her story is amazing! She is on my blog list under MissyMom - she is a missionary in Spain with her husband and now 3 kids- one of which is adopted. Feel free to drop in and read her blog which contains her story as well.
    Praying for you!