Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Empty Arms...

This Sunday, our church services will focus on just that...empty arms..individuals and couples who have dealt with the loss of a child, miscarriage, or infertility. This time last year, I do not know if I could have made it through such a service. However, now that I feel God has brought us to a place of healing and has shown us His plans to begin our family through adoption, I am so thankful that the leaders of our church have chosen to focus on this topic that many do not cover...but yet, a topic on which so many couples suffer!

I have never known the loss of miscarriage or the death of a child...and some might say our loss is not really a "loss" at all. However, I know and firmly believe that grieving the loss of the child we never had is real and valid. Every month for two years, I grieved...I cried out to God...I begged Him to take away our pain...and to provide us with a child to love. But, the pain remained and we were left without a child. I could not understand why God would not want us to have this good thing...why He would not want our family to grow. Then, my thoughts turned inward and I began comparing myself to others who seemed to have no problem conceiving. As that continued, I began to feel like less of a woman. I started to believe a complete lie that there must be something wrong with me as a female and this was the reason I was unable to conceive a child (even after the doctors could not find a reason for our infertility). Once I dealt with my identity issues, I was attacked with another lie that I allowed myself to believe...that because of this "list" I had put together in my mind of "good things" I had done I, therefore, "deserved" a child. Wow...thankfully, God got a hold of me and I was reminded (in a loving and gracious way that only comes from God) that I do not deserve ANYTHING, but death and separation from Him...but, through Christ I have the opportunity to have eternal life and joy on this earth. God does not "owe" me anything!

I wonder how many other women suffering with infertility have believed such lies. I wonder how many women and couples dealing with infertility never open up about their struggles. I found that one of the ways God helped me get through our grief was by talking about it...with those that understood my pain and with family and friends that maybe did not understand, but were willing to listen. I am so grateful for   those God put in my life at that time...I long to be used to offer the same encouragement and support to others ...God is a good...He gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Only He know best the plans for our lives.


  1. I have watched you evolve thru this pain. I have cried many tears thru your pain. I have questioned God myself thru your pain. But thru it all I continued to believe that God would answer....AND HE DID! AND HE IS! Behold He is doing a great thing!

    I have lost a child to a stillborn event. I blamed myself for the result of her life that was taken. Guilt, "why me", etc. was all around me...till I came to the same conclusion as you. I only deserve seperation from God but thru His Son Jesus, I am an adopted child of the King. Our daughters life purpose was fulfilled before her first breath on this earth was taken. She lead her parents to a faithful forgiving God which also brought her future sisters to this same grace giving gift of eternal life thru Christ. That's when it hit me..."why me" I am now proud to say "why me" when it comes to her life/death. He knows the plans for our lives.

    Love watching you process this....I hope one woman sees this and it helps her to understand God's plan. I pray the mother who chooses you and Warren will see the same plan of God working in her life and the life of her child.

    Love and hugs..mom and mom2

  2. Thanks for sharing your heart. I had some of those same feelings. God in his sovereignty taught me so much during our adoption journey I would have never expereienced outside of it. Today I am drawn so much more to real people than perfect people. Love ya and praying for you guys from a distance!

  3. I can't imagine what it must be like to desire a child and not be able to have one. However, I have been at a place many times where I have begged God to do or change something in my life only to hear or see no "answer".
    You are so right that God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. As you wait I pray you will be filled with hope in knowing whatever He does will be perfect and be more wonderful than you could ever have imagined.

  4. Thanks for sharing. I think it's really neat that your church is doing that. It's a topic that so many avoid. You're so right, God knows exactly what we need, when we need it! His ways are always better than our ways! I can't wait to see this journey unfold for you!

  5. Thank you for sharing. Your day will be here soon! I'm so glad to be able to pray with you towards that day.
    Blessings and I love you,

  6. I have always been thankful to have you to talk to! I think being open about infertility is extremely helpful, I know it was for me. Thanks for sharing! Much LOVE!

  7. I found your blog through daniel and lyndsie's blog, I hope you don't mind. I love adoption blogs! My husband and I have also been struggling with fertility. I've had the same insecurities. And I also firmly believe that grieving the loss of a child we've never had is very real. During this whole process I have clung to the fact that God does have a plan and a purpose for me and my husband.


  8. I'm so thankful that so many people can relate...we are not alone!

    Lindsay...I think it is amazing how God teaches us similar lessons through different avenues.

    Karen, I was thankful to have you to talk with as well! :)

    And, Ashley...you are exactly right...trusting God's plan and purpose is the only hope we have! I prayed just now for you and your husband as Warren and I understand the painful and difficult journey of infertility.