I'm feeling a little numb right now. What a journey this has been. We feel exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically...a part of me wants to shut down, crawl in a hole, and forget we ever started the adoption process. However, the bigger part of me knows God is in control, knows this is what He has called us to, knows that the events that have happened over the past month were not a surprise to Him, and knows that He doesn't want to see us in pain...that He is near to us...and that He will continue to give us strength and be glorified through this process. Yesterday at work, I noticed we had penciled in the schedule that this was to be my last week (this was at the beginning of the failed adoption). It brought back a lot of heart ache...Last night I spoke with the birth mother of this most recent situation. We talked for an hour and a half...it was good for both of us (I think). We don't regret that she came across our path...she was trying to do what she thought was best for Faith by finding her a healthy place to be raised...she could not have known or controlled the events that took place a week after contacting us. I go back and forth in my mind with thoughts of "Why" and then I have to remind myself that I cannot stay in that place of questioning...it is fruitless. I must continue to look up to Him and trust that His ways are higher than mine. I must continue to look at what He wants to teach us through this and how He wants to use us.
I am thankful for the kind blog posts, emails, and messages that have been sent our way by so many. Warren and I have been truly blessed by the thoughts and words that have come our way. We are daily surrendering to God's timing in the growth of our family. For us, adoption was not a selfish decision. I know some couples that have married and both have always wanted adoption to be a part of their family. It was not like that for us. However, we don't considered adoption as a "last resort" or "plan B." God placed adoption on both of our hearts, gave us a peace about growing our family through adoption, and we know this is His plan for us.
A few times since Sunday I have heard from different people something to the affect of, "Once you surrender everything to God and give up your desire to become a mother that's when everything will work out." I know these comments were made with good intentions...but, actually, when these comments are made to individuals in my situation it puts more blame and pressure on us...like there is something we are not doing right. After this comment had been made to me by a couple of (I'm sure) well-meaning individuals, I started to question if God was trying to tell me that we had not completely surrendered everything to him...but, then I was reminded of the truth...we have surrendered our situation to God...We are not out trying to "make things happen"...these past two situations have fallen in our laps. Now, the surrender of His time table vs. ours is a daily battle...but, He knows our hearts. And, as my wise husband put it to me yesterday morning, to pray God would take away our desire to become parents would be to pray something contrary to what we believe is His will for us (to adopt). Also, God is not a genie in a bottle. Just because we are surrendered to Him does not mean the things we want to happen will take place immediately. Sometimes--even when we are completely surrendered to His will and at peace with His plans--we still must wait...and we still must endure painful and difficult circumstances (Job and Paul are biblical examples of this) in the middle of our surrender.
I cried when I left my bible study this morning. I love these women God allows me to meet with once a week, but this morning was difficult as we have been reading through a book called "Shepherding Your Child's Heart." Today, unlike most, I had a hard time listening to the parenting conversations. I thought I was doing better this morning...but, I guess my heart is still grieved for these two babies we have had heart connections with in the past month. I know this may be hard to understand if you have never gone through the adoption process, but it is hard to not allow these babies to grow in your heart (even if it is for one week)...there is a part of you that has to open yourself up to this child...even when you know it could result in pain. It is a reminder, though, that He has given Warren and I a heart for parenting. And, until he blesses us with our child to love...we will wait, surrender daily, and trust even when we don't understand.