Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I'm feeling a little numb right now. What a journey this has been. We feel exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically...a part of me wants to shut down, crawl in a hole, and forget we ever started the adoption process. However, the bigger part of me knows God is in control, knows this is what He has called us to, knows that the events that have happened over the past month were not a surprise to Him, and knows that He doesn't want to see us in pain...that He is near to us...and that He will continue to give us strength and be glorified through this process. Yesterday at work, I noticed we had penciled in the schedule that this was to be my last week (this was at the beginning of the failed adoption). It brought back a lot of heart ache...Last night I spoke with the birth mother of this most recent situation. We talked for an hour and a half...it was good for both of us (I think). We don't regret that she came across our path...she was trying to do what she thought was best for Faith by finding her a healthy place to be raised...she could not have known or controlled the events that took place a week after contacting us. I go back and forth in my mind with thoughts of "Why" and then I have to remind myself that I cannot stay in that place of questioning...it is fruitless. I must continue to look up to Him and trust that His ways are higher than mine. I must continue to look at what He wants to teach us through this and how He wants to use us.

I am thankful for the kind blog posts, emails, and messages that have been sent our way by so many. Warren and I have been truly blessed by the thoughts and words that have come our way. We are daily surrendering to God's timing in the growth of our family. For us, adoption was not a selfish decision. I know some couples that have married and both have always wanted adoption to be a part of their family. It was not like that for us. However, we don't considered adoption as a "last resort" or "plan B." God placed adoption on both of our hearts, gave us a peace about growing our family through adoption, and we know this is His plan for us.

A few times since Sunday I have heard from different people something to the affect of, "Once you surrender everything to God and give up your desire to become a mother that's when everything will work out." I know these comments were made with good intentions...but, actually, when these comments are made to individuals in my situation it puts more blame and pressure on us...like there is something we are not doing right. After this comment had been made to me by a couple of (I'm sure) well-meaning individuals, I started to question if God was trying to tell me that we had not completely surrendered everything to him...but, then I was reminded of the truth...we have surrendered our situation to God...We are not out trying to "make things happen"...these past two situations have fallen in our laps. Now, the surrender of His time table vs. ours is a daily battle...but, He knows our hearts. And, as my wise husband put it to me yesterday morning, to pray God would take away our desire to become parents would be to pray something contrary to what we believe is His will for us (to adopt). Also, God is not a genie in a bottle. Just because we are surrendered to Him does not mean the things we want to happen will take place immediately. Sometimes--even when we are completely surrendered to His will and at peace with His plans--we still must wait...and we still must endure painful and difficult circumstances (Job and Paul are biblical examples of this) in the middle of our surrender.

I cried when I left my bible study this morning. I love these women God allows me to meet with once a week, but this morning was difficult as we have been reading through a book called "Shepherding Your Child's Heart." Today, unlike most, I had a hard time listening to the parenting conversations. I thought I was doing better this morning...but, I guess my heart is still grieved for these two babies we have had heart connections with in the past month. I know this may be hard to understand if you have never gone through the adoption process, but it is hard to not allow these babies to grow in your heart (even if it is for one week)...there is a part of you that has to open yourself up to this child...even when you know it could result in pain. It is a reminder, though, that He has given Warren and I a heart for parenting. And, until he blesses us with our child to love...we will wait, surrender daily, and trust even when we don't understand.


  1. I am so sorry that your heart hurts. But your connection to this child and her mother is not coincidence and it is apparent that you know that.

    I will say a prayer for you and your grieving heart.

    I will also pray for the birthmother of your future child. God is preparing both of you.

  2. You have the PERFECT attitude!!! Stay Strong...God is crazy in love with you and your hubby and He can't wait to answer your prayers!! Until then we will all lift you and your failed adoptions up in prayers.

  3. Jill, you are so right! God is not a "genie in a bottle" where we say the right words or put in X amount of faith and then get our prayer answered. There is nothing like that in the Bible. He tells us over and over that we are in a battle. Everything that happens is not His will. If it were, there would be no need for a Bible that is so long and complex and explains to us who this God is. Indeed, if every thing that happened were the will of God, there would be no need for the work of Christ, because all the sin and brokeness of the world would be what God "willed". Thanks be to God that is not true. We know what His "perfect" will is -- it was there in Eden. Now we are in a broken, twisted situation where we are caught with results that truly do not even "belong" to us individually. Thankfully He tells us we are in a battle and though the price of victory has been paid, the fullness of that victory is not yet visible. It hurts horribly, but isn't it wonderful to know -- you do not have to bow down to what happens or to circumstances as those things are not God? We can cry out to One who sees the brokeness of this world and weeps over it for us, One who goes to battle for us with all the love of a Father and a Husband. You do not have to say the "magic words" or drum up the right amount of feeling; you are loved, adored, and there is One who fights for you and Warren and these little ones. There are heartbreaking losses and there are and will be wonderful victories now, but we know the ultimate victory will be more amazing than we can imagine. Love to you, both.

  4. Stay strong...those comments are tough. I would, however, remember that those words they are sharing with you are really just their opinions. No where in the Bible does it say that you have to give up your desire to be part of a child's life...It's all about interpretation. You are So right about the ultimate victory! You are strong and your faith is with you - hang in there!

  5. I read a couple of your previous posts. Bless your hearts. I can't say I've been exactly where you are, but my husband and I can so relate to you in your situation. And I know about those well-meaning individuals and how the words they say think helps, but really hurt. I finally had to come to a state where I realized, I can't be responsible for what others do or say, only how I respond. It takes time and persistently reminding myself of that. If you ever want to email or talk to someone who's been through all this, please feel free to contact me. I don't have the answers, but I'm really good at listening and I understand some of the emotions you are feeling. God bless.

  6. bless your heart, y'all have certainly been having a hard time. I hope you feel the prayers coming your way. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly and bravely.

  7. Jill,

    I have been following your blog for a while and I'm touched by your honesty. I truly believe that God is really gonna prove His faithfulness ultimatlely through all your pain and one day you will sit back and say WOW at the amazing ways He has worked! Until then, though, it's so excruciating to walk the road that you and Warren are walking. I think sometimes when God doesn't work in a way that makes sense to us, people try to deal with that by making excuses for Him - concluding, "well, this must be why God isn't granting this desire like He should be." And that's when they tell you, "just do such-and-such, and that's when God will give you your hearts desire." As if we are able to explain or comprehend God's ways! I am so encouraged by your attitude. It says "I don't understand this and I don't know why and I don't like it, but I will still trust God." I only hope that one day if/when I must walk a road of pain and trial such as yours, that I can have the same attitude of trust and surrender. Thank you!


  8. Thanks to each one of your for your comments and prayers...I want you to know that God truly used each piece of truth that you shared to encourage me this week.