This past week we have been involved in a situation that I can't really go into detail about quite yet. I have felt times of peace in the middle of this situation and I have been at extreme unrest this past week (I'm sorry I'm being so vague). Last night Warren said something to me...something I believe God wanted me to hear...He said, "We have to trust God to guard our hearts." ---This is not an easy concept for me to digest. I see now that I have been trying to guard my heart (especially right now with what we are going through)...and the way I guard my heart is by shutting down, shutting people out, and trying to "move on" (in an unhealthy way) in order to "save" my emotions from being shattered (yet again). This is my defense. I don't want to get hurt again. And, in "my way" of trying to guard my heart, I don't want to let another birth mother in. Now, obviously I do want to allow another birth mother into our lives and heart, but the pain we have been through makes me want to protect myself from feeling anymore hurt...so much so to the point where I feel I am now shutting myself off to potential situations. This is not good...this is not healthy...this is not what God wants.
I have to, somehow, learn to let go of the control...I want to learn how to let God guard my heart. I know God is completely capable of guarding my heart, but right now (I feel terrible saying this) my trust level is not so high.
I think what He is trying to teach me through this is that guarding my heart is not the same as keeping me from every difficult trial that may come our way. A sweet friend of ours sent us some wise words after the failed adoption...and I think the truth of what he said applies right now just as much as it did a few weeks ago...
First I want to encourage you and Warren to be strong and to keep rowing. The storm swallows many people up that bail out in desperation or cannot endure. This weather will pass. Lean on him to keep rowing, even if you have nothing left personally. Pray when you don't feel like it, even if all you say is "I don't want to pray and I'm tired. I need You." Just know that in the midst of a dark spiritual battle, your faith and your attitude can be a form of worship, and can therefore be a weapon. Sometimes all we can offer is a broken heart, but that is what is asked of us.
In the end, all people that are honored when they die are honored because of their discipline. All the great Saints I read about have one thing in common. They are from all walks of life and all points in time and so very different as individuals. The common thread is that they all endured incredible, unimaginable human suffering. At some point, realizing that this is part of your vocation and your calling at this point in your life becomes a point of strength. Although it unfair, God has asked this of you and Warren now, and may even ask it of you again and again. We are never promised that we won't suffer, but we are promised that we will never be abandoned.
I love that..."we are never promised that we won't suffer, but we are promised that we will never be abandoned." So, here I am...learning to trust God in a new way. I'm learning to let down my guard...learning to not shut out people or situations just to "protect" myself (in this "protection" I think I'm really the one missing out)...Learning to let Him guard my heart...which does not mean He will keep me from trials...but does mean that He will carry me through.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped." Ps. 28:7
"...but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him." Ps. 32:10
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5
"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God." Ps. 25: 1-2
"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long." Ps. 25:4-5