Sunday, March 13, 2011

Our journey through (more) pain...

Though my last post was slightly vague, I am now free to be a little more clear about what we have been going through the past week. I'm sorry if this seems long-winded...there are just a lot of details....

Last Saturday morning we were contacted by a birth mother. She found our profile through Bethany's website, messaged us through our YouTube account, and somehow found our blog and emailed us. She told us she was 21 weeks pregnant with a girl. She described a significant amount of unrest and uneasiness she has felt during this process of adoption and told us she felt a sense of peace when reading our profile. She wanted to know more about us and wanted to talk with us about adopting her baby. Long story short, I contacted our caseworker, emailed the birth mother back giving her our caseworker's info, and the birth mother called our caseworker all before lunch last Saturday. Since she lives in another state, our caseworker directed her to her local Bethany office. The birth mother agreed to call them first thing that Monday, but it was not until Tuesday that the birth mother was able to get in touch with her local Bethany. However, we had remained in contact with the birth mother through several emails on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. We found out that this child was the result of a rape. We didn't hear from her all day Wednesday and I began to worry but, eventually felt at peace knowing if this was the baby God had for us she would take the necessary steps in the process. Thursday afternoon I finally received an email from her. She had been going to weekly doctor appointments since her pregnancy was considered high risk, and at her appointment Wednesday her cervix had thinned from 2.8 to 1.2 (in one week). She emailed me from her phone at the hospital telling me she was admitted and put on bed rest for two weeks. We emailed a couple of times back and forth and she told me that she wanted to continue pursuing adoption with us but would (obviously) have to wait until she was discharged to follow up with Bethany. My last email to her went out at 3:45PM Thursday. Thursday night and Friday we never heard from her. I started getting a little frustrated and cynical (little did I know that she was in no place to communicate with us)...Warren was encouraging me to allow God to guard my heart...but, I was so angry that she had left us hanging and had not returned my email. Thankfully Saturday God gave me a peace. And, finally, Saturday afternoon we heard from her...this was the email she sent...

jill, i just wanted to give you a quick update. at 330pm on thursday my cervix was totally thinned out and already 4cm dialated with a bulging bag of water. i had lost my mucus plug already. the babys heart rate dropped into the 90s and my bp shot up. they tried to stop the labor but when she checked my cervix a 2nd time she ruptured my bag of water and there was nothing they could do at that point. she was born at 618 that evening weighing 1lb 1oz and just under 11in long. she passed away about 3 minutes after she was born. i am on my way home now. i just got both of your emails on my phone and if you would still like to talk you can call my cell. i think i gave you the number in a previous message. i am so sorry. i feel like i have let everyone down around me, including the precious little girl i just gave birth to. she was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way, my body just failed her. i hope to hear from you again but if not i understand.


Heartache! We have begun to care for this young woman so much over the past week...she would have been an amazing birth mother...just a precious, smart, cute girl who has had a difficult past. Several months ago she began following the Lord and spoke highly of an old cheerleading coach and some church friends who were her supports. Though nothing was "official" with the agency, our hearts began to love this little baby too. We emailed her back last night and got this response today.

I feel like I just cant say Im sorry enough. I guess that in my eyes I did let you down. From the first email I recieved back from you I have not thought of this little girl as mine, but as yours and Warrens. For the past 22 weeks I could not understand why God let me get pregnant and when I found you and Warren I knew exactly why.. I felt like God got me pregnant and led me to you to raise this precious gift. I just cant believe that she is gone. I cant believe how fast it all happened and how there was nothing that could be done to spare her one more week. I feel like this cycle has just been so unfair and I am so confused right now. I just dont understand why. I know and believe that God does work all things for our good but at this point, I cant find any good in this situation.

Im so sorry, Jill. Im so sorry that I let you and Warren get involved and then let you down. You have been so amazing to me and I think you are one of the strongest women I have ever known. I thank you so much for being willing to talk to me and being willing to open your home and your heart up to this little girl. I know she would have been so blessed to have you both as parents. I miss her so much already, but I feel like I miss her in a different way. I dont feel like she was mine. I feel like she was yours and as my heart breaks right now for myself, I think it breaks even more for letting you down :(

I really would love to stay in contact with you. I am so glad that you emailed me back. I was so nervous that I would not hear from you again. If you are up to it (and if not, I totally understand) I would love to talk to you over the phone. I pray for you and Warren. I pray that this journey does not cause you anymore heartache and I pray and am believing for a beautiful, healthy child to be in your arms. I am not sure how you feel about this, and if you are not up for it that is totally okay with me, but I do have some pictures of the baby that I could send you. Also, she does not have a name and I hate that I continue to call her "the baby". I definitely am not up to being on baby name websites or anything like that right now, so if you find a name that you feel is fitting, I would love to give you the opportunity to name her.

I love you, Jill. And I thank you once again for everything that you have done. I, too, feel like you are the big sister I never had and I want nothing more than to be able to stay in contact with you.



She is an amazing young woman. We really think a lot of her. I saw the picture of the baby (Faith)...it was the sweetest/most sad picture I have ever seen. We are grieving again...another loss. I do not know why God connected us with this birth mother a week before this baby passed away...just like I do not know why Sarah (the other birth mother) chose us one week before she delivered and then changed her mind. I do know that God is in control...and, for some reason, He has called us to a refining process that we can't understand right now. Though it has been a painful journey, I just pray He is glorified through it all. My heart is so heavy for this sweet birth mother...she has been through so much...and I don't want her to lose hope or lose sight of God during this process. Please pray for her...and for us.We know God is working out His plan...in our life...and in this birth mother's life.

20 comments:

  1. Thoughts and prayers with her and your family.

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  2. Jill, this is Warren's cousin Emily. I found your blog on facebook and just want you to know that I am praying for you and Warren Thomas. I had no idea you all were going through this journey and I want to encourage you with prayer from here on out.

    With love,
    Emily Brooks

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  3. oh how my heart aches reading this (first time commenter btw). i can relate to all this so much. 3 years ago my husband and i lost my first son around 22 weeks, same way..my body coundn't sustain the baby and he was born too soon. he lived for 3 minutes as well. her words struck a cord so deeply...we've sinced been blessed with another son thru the gift of adoption and are pursuing a 2nd adoption.you are all in my prayers.

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  4. I'm thinking that you and I feel much the same right now (have you read my post today? http://onloanfromheaven.blogspot.com/2011/03/faith-trust-patience-and-giving-up.html)... and I'm so sorry. It sucks... that's all there is to it. I do know that we'll both bring our babies home soon.... but until that day, I'm really hoping that the 'lessons' and the 'opportunities' stop for us both. Praying for us :-)

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  5. Praying for all of you Jill! Maybe the Lord has allowed you to cross paths with this young mom just so she can see HIM in you and Warren. Had you not been looking to adopt - you would not had met her. God has a purpose and a plan and we continue to pray for you!

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  6. Sara Lynch-RutkoskiMarch 13, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and Warren and that I think of you often. My heart breaks for you guys and the young woman.

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  7. Jill and Warren, we love you and are continuing to pray for you as you wait on God. It is obvious to me that this mom needed (needs) you in her life. What a wonderful ministry you are in! Touching peoples lives and being a strong witness of God's grace and love in the crisis of these women's lives. God will bless you with that special little one, all in His timing. Robert and I are also parents to a premie who lived 5 days. Benjamin David was born at 26weeks, 1 lb, 8 oz, 11 3/4 in. He did fairly well until the 4th day, when he had a stroke and passed away the next day. We were so confused and hurt. Look at us now! 3 children and 3 grandsons!! Through it all God works His wonders!!
    Blessings

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  8. Jill,
    My heart is just breaking for you and for the birth mother. I wish I knew any comforting words for you. I'm so sorry. I'll keep praying for you and Warren and the birth mother.

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  9. As you know sweetie...my heart continues to spring forth with hope and tears for you and Warren. Yet I do know God's design is for eternity and we have no idea why or when things happen as they do. I heard a poem this weekend that talks about a tapestry...the backside is full of knots and threads intersecting one another, it looks like a mess. How could anything be so beautiful and complete by the wonder we are beholding. YET God is not looking at the underside of this handiwork, He sees the actual artwork, the beautiful melody of threads that form complete images and make our hearts go "AHHHH."
    I have been praying for this mother and will continue to pray over her. For protection and assurance of His plan for her life. No doubt she would of been an asset to your process of adoption but that was not God's plan.
    I love you both and your pain is my pain!(tears here) if I could take this away from you, if I could just guarantee a child for you both I WOULD! But even as your mother, I can't do for you what God has in store....so I patiently pray and wait for that certain call. Hugs (BTW..I am so proud of you both as your strength is purposed through this storm)...momma

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  10. Thanks for your honesty and allowing us to go through this with you both. The lessons you are learning through these storms are teaching us all. We love you and are asking for His peace that passes all human understanding to guard your hearts..... jana

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  11. I am praying for you guys. I love you both.

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  12. Jill,
    I will continue to pray for you and Warren....this is such a touching story. Not a moment will pass, that I will not be thinking of all of you, and lifting you up in prayer.
    Take care,
    Jaclyn

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  13. Oh Jill... I am so very, very sorry. I just am speechless. I am praying for you guys as well as this precious young girl who is looking up to you right now. Much love!

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  14. praying for you and this precious young lady. Oh how I wish your journey was not laced with heartache, but so often the adoption journey can be. But know God is preparing you and working through it all. I have no doubt this precious young girl needed you during this time (in I'm sure in some way, you needed her). God's plan seems so "out there" to us, but He is at work and it all makes perfect sense to Him. I will pray for healing for you all. And that this whole tragic event will result in renewed strength for you all. Nathan says "hang in there," and "there is joy in the morning" He is living proof of God's perfect plan and timing. We would never have this precious blessing if God hadn't insisted on His timing, not mine. We love you both!

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  15. Praying for you sweet friend. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more. Eph. 3:20

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  16. Oh wow, that is so sad! What an amazing, sweet woman she is. I'm so sorry you've had to experience another loss. Keep trusting God's perfect plan. Praying for you and for this sweet girl.

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  17. Hi Jill,

    Your blog was posted on a mutual friend's facebook page requesting prayers on your behalf. I don't usually read blogs so I'm not sure why I read yours. I am deeply sorry and touched by your experience. I will definately pray that God's will take place in your life concerning children. This is the same prayer I finally prayed for my husband and myself after 3 years of infertility issues. I can tell you when I finally humbled myself and truly surrendered to the possiblity His will may be different than my own.... I found out I was pregnant 14 days later. My prayer went like this..."God, if it is your will for me to have children please take control and allow this to happen; if I am not suppose to have children and be a mother then please remove this desire and completely heal the pain in my heart". I really meant this prayer because I could no longer stand the pain and depression of struggling. I felt at peace in my heart and my spirit was light after the prayer. God answering my prayer has built an unshakable faith in my heart. It was only after having my first child that I was able to see "why" God's plan was slower than mine. Today, I am very grateful I did not become preganat any sooner than I did. He knew what was best for me! I am confident He will heal you of the pain you are suffering and will restore his perfect will when you humbly surrender to Him. I will be praying for you, your husband and this precious birth mother who appears to really need you!

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  18. Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little baby. For us, the hardest thing by far about adoption was deciding the right balance between guarding our hearts and letting ourselves love a baby that might possibly be ours. We have friends who went both ways. Some never wanted to meet the baby until after the paperwork, and others had an open relationship from the 1st trimester. We decided that God put this baby, birth mom and others in our lives because it was his perfect will. Even if the adoption failed, we knew that our prayers and love certainly were not wasted.

    God is God, and he can do ANYTHING. He could even have put our sweet Landrie in MY belly, but he chose adoption for us, and we are so thankful that he did! I'm sure we only see a glimpse of all the good that has come from our adoption for us and for others, but one day it will be fully revealed! You have such an amazing attitude through your heartache, and don't think for a second that God isn't using this tragedy for his good. I am praying for God's perfect baby for your family in his perfect timing!

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  19. Jill, I am so sorry this happened. I don't understand why God allows us to experience so much pain, but we know He is in control and can see the big picture. Praying for you as you have to go through another loss.

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