Though my last post was slightly vague, I am now free to be a little more clear about what we have been going through the past week. I'm sorry if this seems long-winded...there are just a lot of details....
Last Saturday morning we were contacted by a birth mother. She found our profile through Bethany's website, messaged us through our YouTube account, and somehow found our blog and emailed us. She told us she was 21 weeks pregnant with a girl. She described a significant amount of unrest and uneasiness she has felt during this process of adoption and told us she felt a sense of peace when reading our profile. She wanted to know more about us and wanted to talk with us about adopting her baby. Long story short, I contacted our caseworker, emailed the birth mother back giving her our caseworker's info, and the birth mother called our caseworker all before lunch last Saturday. Since she lives in another state, our caseworker directed her to her local Bethany office. The birth mother agreed to call them first thing that Monday, but it was not until Tuesday that the birth mother was able to get in touch with her local Bethany. However, we had remained in contact with the birth mother through several emails on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. We found out that this child was the result of a rape. We didn't hear from her all day Wednesday and I began to worry but, eventually felt at peace knowing if this was the baby God had for us she would take the necessary steps in the process. Thursday afternoon I finally received an email from her. She had been going to weekly doctor appointments since her pregnancy was considered high risk, and at her appointment Wednesday her cervix had thinned from 2.8 to 1.2 (in one week). She emailed me from her phone at the hospital telling me she was admitted and put on bed rest for two weeks. We emailed a couple of times back and forth and she told me that she wanted to continue pursuing adoption with us but would (obviously) have to wait until she was discharged to follow up with Bethany. My last email to her went out at 3:45PM Thursday. Thursday night and Friday we never heard from her. I started getting a little frustrated and cynical (little did I know that she was in no place to communicate with us)...Warren was encouraging me to allow God to guard my heart...but, I was so angry that she had left us hanging and had not returned my email. Thankfully Saturday God gave me a peace. And, finally, Saturday afternoon we heard from her...this was the email she sent...
jill, i just wanted to give you a quick update. at 330pm on thursday my cervix was totally thinned out and already 4cm dialated with a bulging bag of water. i had lost my mucus plug already. the babys heart rate dropped into the 90s and my bp shot up. they tried to stop the labor but when she checked my cervix a 2nd time she ruptured my bag of water and there was nothing they could do at that point. she was born at 618 that evening weighing 1lb 1oz and just under 11in long. she passed away about 3 minutes after she was born. i am on my way home now. i just got both of your emails on my phone and if you would still like to talk you can call my cell. i think i gave you the number in a previous message. i am so sorry. i feel like i have let everyone down around me, including the precious little girl i just gave birth to. she was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way, my body just failed her. i hope to hear from you again but if not i understand.
Heartache! We have begun to care for this young woman so much over the past week...she would have been an amazing birth mother...just a precious, smart, cute girl who has had a difficult past. Several months ago she began following the Lord and spoke highly of an old cheerleading coach and some church friends who were her supports. Though nothing was "official" with the agency, our hearts began to love this little baby too. We emailed her back last night and got this response today.
I feel like I just cant say Im sorry enough. I guess that in my eyes I did let you down. From the first email I recieved back from you I have not thought of this little girl as mine, but as yours and Warrens. For the past 22 weeks I could not understand why God let me get pregnant and when I found you and Warren I knew exactly why.. I felt like God got me pregnant and led me to you to raise this precious gift. I just cant believe that she is gone. I cant believe how fast it all happened and how there was nothing that could be done to spare her one more week. I feel like this cycle has just been so unfair and I am so confused right now. I just dont understand why. I know and believe that God does work all things for our good but at this point, I cant find any good in this situation.
Im so sorry, Jill. Im so sorry that I let you and Warren get involved and then let you down. You have been so amazing to me and I think you are one of the strongest women I have ever known. I thank you so much for being willing to talk to me and being willing to open your home and your heart up to this little girl. I know she would have been so blessed to have you both as parents. I miss her so much already, but I feel like I miss her in a different way. I dont feel like she was mine. I feel like she was yours and as my heart breaks right now for myself, I think it breaks even more for letting you down :(
I really would love to stay in contact with you. I am so glad that you emailed me back. I was so nervous that I would not hear from you again. If you are up to it (and if not, I totally understand) I would love to talk to you over the phone. I pray for you and Warren. I pray that this journey does not cause you anymore heartache and I pray and am believing for a beautiful, healthy child to be in your arms. I am not sure how you feel about this, and if you are not up for it that is totally okay with me, but I do have some pictures of the baby that I could send you. Also, she does not have a name and I hate that I continue to call her "the baby". I definitely am not up to being on baby name websites or anything like that right now, so if you find a name that you feel is fitting, I would love to give you the opportunity to name her.
I love you, Jill. And I thank you once again for everything that you have done. I, too, feel like you are the big sister I never had and I want nothing more than to be able to stay in contact with you.
She is an amazing young woman. We really think a lot of her. I saw the picture of the baby (Faith)...it was the sweetest/most sad picture I have ever seen. We are grieving again...another loss. I do not know why God connected us with this birth mother a week before this baby passed away...just like I do not know why Sarah (the other birth mother) chose us one week before she delivered and then changed her mind. I do know that God is in control...and, for some reason, He has called us to a refining process that we can't understand right now. Though it has been a painful journey, I just pray He is glorified through it all. My heart is so heavy for this sweet birth mother...she has been through so much...and I don't want her to lose hope or lose sight of God during this process. Please pray for her...and for us.We know God is working out His plan...in our life...and in this birth mother's life.