This past week we have been involved in a situation that I can't really go into detail about quite yet. I have felt times of peace in the middle of this situation and I have been at extreme unrest this past week (I'm sorry I'm being so vague). Last night Warren said something to me...something I believe God wanted me to hear...He said, "We have to trust God to guard our hearts." ---This is not an easy concept for me to digest. I see now that I have been trying to guard my heart (especially right now with what we are going through)...and the way I guard my heart is by shutting down, shutting people out, and trying to "move on" (in an unhealthy way) in order to "save" my emotions from being shattered (yet again). This is my defense. I don't want to get hurt again. And, in "my way" of trying to guard my heart, I don't want to let another birth mother in. Now, obviously I do want to allow another birth mother into our lives and heart, but the pain we have been through makes me want to protect myself from feeling anymore hurt...so much so to the point where I feel I am now shutting myself off to potential situations. This is not good...this is not healthy...this is not what God wants.
I have to, somehow, learn to let go of the control...I want to learn how to let God guard my heart. I know God is completely capable of guarding my heart, but right now (I feel terrible saying this) my trust level is not so high.
I think what He is trying to teach me through this is that guarding my heart is not the same as keeping me from every difficult trial that may come our way. A sweet friend of ours sent us some wise words after the failed adoption...and I think the truth of what he said applies right now just as much as it did a few weeks ago...
First I want to encourage you and Warren to be strong and to keep rowing. The storm swallows many people up that bail out in desperation or cannot endure. This weather will pass. Lean on him to keep rowing, even if you have nothing left personally. Pray when you don't feel like it, even if all you say is "I don't want to pray and I'm tired. I need You." Just know that in the midst of a dark spiritual battle, your faith and your attitude can be a form of worship, and can therefore be a weapon. Sometimes all we can offer is a broken heart, but that is what is asked of us.
In the end, all people that are honored when they die are honored because of their discipline. All the great Saints I read about have one thing in common. They are from all walks of life and all points in time and so very different as individuals. The common thread is that they all endured incredible, unimaginable human suffering. At some point, realizing that this is part of your vocation and your calling at this point in your life becomes a point of strength. Although it unfair, God has asked this of you and Warren now, and may even ask it of you again and again. We are never promised that we won't suffer, but we are promised that we will never be abandoned.
I love that..."we are never promised that we won't suffer, but we are promised that we will never be abandoned." So, here I am...learning to trust God in a new way. I'm learning to let down my guard...learning to not shut out people or situations just to "protect" myself (in this "protection" I think I'm really the one missing out)...Learning to let Him guard my heart...which does not mean He will keep me from trials...but does mean that He will carry me through.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped." Ps. 28:7
"...but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him." Ps. 32:10
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5
"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God." Ps. 25: 1-2
"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long." Ps. 25:4-5
TRUST is such a difficult thing....especially when trust has been broken. I pray that you will TRUST again. That Jesus will allow you to see how broken trust strengthens us and makes us stronger.
ReplyDeleteI think there is a lot of maturity in your processing. I love those words of encouragement written to you by your friend. Reminds me of the song written by Christa Wells an sung by Natalie Grant "Held"--the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your trust being broken and your feelings about letting another birthmother in. I went through the same feelings!! In 2005 after only 2 months of waiting we got the call to adopt our daughter. We flew from Hawaii to the midwest and waited for our birthmother to go into labor. She finally did and I got my princess!! We took her back to our hotel and started the paperwork to take her back to Hawaii. My hubby left after about 4 days and my mom came to help me. Out of the blue 5 days later the lawyer called and I had to give my precious girl back-IT WAS AWFUL! I now not only had to call my husband and tell him but I had to tell all my family and friends. My Hawaii friends had to scramble to cancel my babyshower and I was just swimming in utter confusion. I drove her to the lawyers office to drop her off and consol my mom (not the other way around sadly). It was the worst feeling in the world. After I went back to Hawaii and pulled myself together we decided to go at it again. This time we waited and waited and waited (God's perfect timing does not sit well with me-it never has and He knows that I have an issue with it which is why He makes me wait...He is teaching me patience). I finally (a year later!) got the call I had been praying so hard for. This time EVERYTHING was against us...our HS was about to expire, we were moving to Texas and our house wasn't finished so we were going to have to live in a hotel for a month (that doesn't work for a HS), and to top it off we had an adoption counseler that I could feel did not "jive" with us or the birth family. NUMEROUS times she told us this was not going to work, it was going to fail, back out now but don't forget to pay! It was a VERY trying time. Well if it's supposed to work guess what....IT WILL!!!! ALL doors opened up for us...Hawaii agreed with everything, Texas agreed even though we didn't even have a house!! Everyone agreed expect....my untrusting heart. What if??? What would I do??? I can't go through another baby being taken out of my arms!!! I was talking to a wise woman and this is what she said to me so I am passing it to you...Your on one side of a river and your baby is on the other. You know you have to go get her, you have to get your feet wet. You can't just not go in to get her, you have to put one foot in and let the other follow. You have no idea what is in the river...sharp rocks, drop offs, strong currents. It could take you a long time to cross but the only way to get your baby is by being faithful and doing it. You see her over there, you have to have faith and cross, it's the only way. I did have faith and I did cross!!! That was 4 years ago and right this second on this gorgeous sunny Saturday morning I am watching her play with cars and Barbies watching Curious George. She is my BIGGEST blessing and my GREATEST gift. I am SO thankful that our first adoption fell through...this one was ALWAYS meant to be mine!!!! Why I had to go through the awful first adoption I will never know (my guess is learning patience and Gods way is ALWAY right) but I praise Him now for my PERFECT daughter. Hang in there...it is SO SO scary as you well know. If it is meant to work-IT WILL!!! I am so so sorry that you are going through what you are going through...not sure if it is adoption related or not but it is all tied together as it is your life. Please know people have gone through it before you and people will continue to go through it after you...you are not the only one and you are not alone!! I can't wait to here your fantastic news!! I am thinking about you and praying for you! Hang in there sister...it gets a whole lot better!!!
ReplyDeletePraying for you both continually. God knows what you are going through so just give it to him, but I know it is sometimes easier said than done. Hang in their friend, fellow adoptive-momma-to-be, we need each other in these times :)
ReplyDeleteThoughts coming your way!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers and encouragement, ladies...and thank you, Tracey, for sharing your story--I trust one day we will be able to look at the child God has planned for us to raise and see how the pain was worth it all!
ReplyDeleteWise words from your friend in this post. I am standing with you in prayer girl!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Shanna